Drama, Drama, Drama

Well, I got Kayla out of it. That's good, but now Dilara's drawing Christy into things. It's like propaganda on a small scale. It's annoying to me. I hate drama. It's like, your best friends hate you for no reason for a couple of months and then all of a sudden they're your best friends again because of drama that you and your friend agree with. So then you're in another drama war with the person who was your enemy who is now your friend. WTF?

Want an example? Here goes.

Dilara and I were best friends last year. We did everything together and agreed on almost everything including our dislike of Kristen for changing Ethan like she did.

NOW, Dilara is with Kristen against ME because they think it's my fault that they lost their boyfriends. Kristen broke up with Ethan multiple times and got back together multiple times. Recently they've been together. Dilara broke up with Tyler and Tyler asked me out the next day because he's liked me for so long it's sad. I said yes but things didn't work out too well. So we broke up. What really is bad for Dilara is that Tyler wanted to break up with her anyways. But he doesn't like to break up with people. Neither do I unless I see it is necessary. It was necessary to break up with Tyler, trust me.

So, Kristen recently sent me a message via Michael (not my Michael, another) saying that if I didn't back off of Ethan she was going to kick my ass. Well, I don't care what she said, Ethan is one of my best friends and no one is going to keep me from talking to anyone else.

Dilara around this time tries to turn Kayla against me. She has been trying to do this for a while until I stepped in and said NO. I also told her that I don't want any violence. She turned around and said something along the lines of "Like you could kick my ass anyway." WTF? I could probably beat her up but I would like to refrain from it completely. I'll put it this way: If there is a punch thrown, I'm not going to be the one to throw it. So Kayla is out of it and violence is also. But as of today Dilara was trying to bring Christy into it. I have known Christy for a while. I'm pretty sure she's not going to believe Dilara.

What takes the cake so far is the fact fact that Dilara and Kristen and two others that I'm not sure who are were looking for me at the last football game this season. They wanted to kick my butt for what reason I don't know. But that's what they wanted.

Well that's my spill about drama for today. Tomorrow we'll be talking about the drama of middle school, not as complex but still confusing.

I have a bunch of new friends. Let's see there's Joe, Cory, Hudson, Austin, Aron, and Anthony and another guy who's name I forgot. (I think it's Robert. I don't remember though.) But yea, Cory's gay, but I don't care about the sexual orientation of my friends as long as they're good friends and don't scare me too much. I mean, a bunch of people told me that the guy I thought I loved (Cody) was Bi and I didn't care. Hudson is REALLY emo. And Austin is really prper and military like, that comes with the JROTC territory though. He wants to join the Navy or Air Force or something. Joe looks really emo and a bit anorexic but he does eat. Aron is a friend of Cody's. Anthony knows Tyler and Syra's boyfriend. He's a Freshmore. So are alot of the people i know. But anyways I think he's in JROTC also... ?Robert? knows Cody. I Know he's in JROTC cause his hair is cut funny.

So there's my situation. it's confusing and for some reason I'm still happy a bunch of the time, It's like... I don't know...

I am going to confess a couple of things. I know this is going to sound stupid to most people but this is how I have been feeling lately.

I would like to cut myself. Once. Only once, just to see how it feels. But I'm afraid to because of the scars and because it may become some sort of addiction. Those two reasons are stopping me. I'm not contemplating doing it because I want to die, but because I want to know what it feels like just to do it. There's some sort of urge in the back of my mind that just says, "Hey, you know you want to." And sadly I do.

Another thig I'm confessing is that for some reason i want to try sex. It's like, i don't know. The same as the cutting thing. I just want to try it. But I'm not going to waste it on any guy. Don't get me wrong, I have my morals in check. I keep thinking about doing realy serious, BAD things for some odd reason. I just want to try it. i want to see what I'm missing out on. i want to explore every option I have. Wether it's a good or bad one. I want an interesting life. I want to live an exciting life, but i want to live with some sort of morals. I don't think TRYING something breaks my morals. I'm not going to go out and get pregnant and I'm not going to sleep with some random guy. If i ever date a guy for more than three months I'd take him. I've never had a boyfriend longer than that... But it also depends on his age and whatnot... yea.

I know my morals make no sense to anyone, especially diehard Christians, or anyone with a religion. I like listening to Christian music and any type of music at all. I think all religions are interesting. Anyway, I like my morals,

~ Do your best
~ Don't make mistakes if you can avoid them
~ Be careful
~ Make smart choices and fix the bad ones if you can
~ If you can't be the best, don't try it.
~ Find something you're good at and follow it.
~ Push yourself harder
~ Make sure you have a way out of the choices you make incase they are wrong.
~ If you have a hard choice, have someone else make it for you.

Okay, I know these morals are a bit... self centered and are based on being better than others and not standing out when yu can't stand out in a good way but I don't know. It's what I just realized my guidelines are. They make no sense I know.